One Year Later
by Tanya Reed
Summary: A year after her visit to The Place, CC feels the need to share what it was like with someone. Since she and Niles are now a couple, the obvious person is Niles. Will she trust him enough to let down her wall and tell him? This fic takes place sometime between Maggie's Wedding and The Finale. It was inspired by Mental Illness Awareness Week.


Niles searched the whole house before he found her on the terrace. CC was sitting at the small, round table with an absent expression on her face. Her eyes stared into the distance at something only she could see.

He took a moment to study her, the beautiful woman who had captured his heart. Now that Niles had stopped hurting her and started loving her instead, he could finally admit just how beautiful she was to him. Sometimes he thought he was a fool for not pushing her sooner and other times he was sure it wouldn't have worked if they'd tried earlier.

"Miss Babcock?" he asked softly.

She turned to look at him, a smile blooming over her face. The smile warmed him, and he couldn't help but smile back.

"You looked deep in thought," he said gently.

It was so funny. After so many years of being harsh, now, when they were alone, he couldn't be anything but inexplicably gentle. He still played with her, still teased her, but it was with an underlying tenderness and affection.

Her smile dimmed and she dropped her eyes.

"What is it?" He came forward and lifted her chin with his finger, bringing her gaze up to meet his.

"It was a year ago today." The sadness in her tone surprised him. Puzzled, he searched his mind to see if he could remember what she was talking about. Nothing came to him.

"A year ago since what?" he asked.

CC reached out and touched his hand briefly. "A year since you brought me to The Place."

Had it been that long? Niles didn't like to think of those days. He had been so lost and lonely without her. Her absence had left a large hole in his life, and the helpless expression on her face had scared him more than he would ever admit to anyone out loud, including her.

"I was so afraid, Niles," she whispered. "I felt so alone."

They had never spoken about her time in the sanitarium; it had never seemed like the right time.

"Thank you for taking care of me. Dr. Bort said that you were the one that brought me in…that you were so kind…At the time, I didn't believe it. I didn't know…" She turned her head, dropping her eyes again.

"Do you blame me?" he asked, unable to resist reaching forward to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

Her gaze lifted to meet his. "For what?"

He swallowed before replying, "For what happened…for the breakdown?" Niles winced as he formed the word.

She frowned. "Why would I?"

"The things I said…The things I did…"

CC shook her head. She paused and Niles wasn't sure he was going to get more than that. Several emotions went over her usually stoic face before she said, "Two things defined me then, Niles. One was my desire to trap Maxwell because I was sure he'd give me the perfect life." She reached up to draw her fingertips down his face. "I've since learned that being loved is so much better than being perfect."

Niles had never told her that he loved her. After the terrible chain of events brought on by his proposals, he was afraid to rock the boat. This was the first time she had even alluded to the fact that she knew he might. Hearing the words moved him, and he leaned forward to kiss the top of her head.

When she sighed, he asked, "And what was the other?"

"Work." Her voice was quiet. "I was good at my job. I worked hard. When Maxwell went into the office with Nanny Fine to do business without me, I thought I had lost both. Without them, I had no idea who I was. I certainly wasn't me anymore."

The pain in her words even a year later made Niles draw her to her feet. When she didn't protest, he wrapped her in his arms, holding her tightly as he should have done then—as he would have if he hadn't been so deep in denial. CC returned the embrace but remained silent.

"What was it like?" he asked.

"I don't remember most of it. Just the fear…and the feeling of being alone." A warmth came to her tone as she added, "Though there were times when I was sedated that I remember a voice telling me I was going to always be alone. Ironically, those were the only times I felt I wasn't."

"I'm glad. I don't' think I was aware of it, but I think that might have been my intention," he said honestly. When she didn't answer, he added, "I blamed myself, you know."

"Oh, Niles," she chuckled. "You weren't the reason I got sick. You were the reason I got better."

Startled, he let go of her so he could study her face. She wasn't teasing him; her expression was completely serious.

"I don't understand."

CC bit her lip as she contemplated her answer.

"It was like I was so immaterial that I was blowing away. Where the person I thought of as CC Babcock had been there was only a misty nothing. I wasn't really there. But when I thought of you, it was like something grabbed me and anchored me. My mind could focus on you when it couldn't focus on anything else. Somehow, it drew the rest of me back in. I became something—someone—again." A sudden blush raced across her face and she avoided his eyes. "I've never talked about this with anyone but Dr. Bort, but I wanted you to know."

"If it helps, I was lost without you."

A soft smile chased the shadows away. "Of course you were, Butler Boy. All those insults building up, you must have been ready to burst by the time I came home."

He didn't smile back because he wanted her to know how serious he was. Solemnly, he told her, "I missed you."

She leaned forward and lightly kissed him. "I thought about you every day."

He gently caressed her cheek, allowing himself to smile. "I love you, you know. I might even have loved you then."

"I know. I think I've known for a long time. I just couldn't accept it because I didn't think I deserved it. The insults, the jokes, the jibes and hurtful words, yes. I didn't like myself very much."

"And now?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"You've started showing me that no matter what I think—what anyone thinks—you think I'm worth loving. The least I can do is deserve it."

"I'm sorry, CC. I'm so, so sorry."

She frowned. "For loving me?"

Niles shook his head. "No, sweetheart, for hurting you. Over and over. For years. If anyone here doesn't deserve love, it's me."

"But I do love you."

Her words were his first indication that she thought of what they were doing as more than a fling. His heart jumped and his eyes stung.

"How can you?" he asked.

"Because you're Niles."

"But…"

"And for every time you hurt me, there was a time when you did something kind—you didn't want me to know, but I did."

"So, what do we do now?"

CC looked up. "I suggest we go inside. Those clouds look awfully dark."

"Are you okay?"

She took his hand and squeezed. "I'm more than okay. I just wanted to remember how things were. I never want to go there again, Niles."

He squeezed back. "Don't be afraid. If you do, I'll be right here beside you."

She studied him for a moment before admitting, "I've never had that before."

There were so many things he wanted to say to that, so many wrongs he wanted to right for her. Instead, he just went with, "We'd better get inside."

As if in answer, he felt a fat drop of rain plop down onto the bridge of his nose.

"All right."

They lapsed into silence and entered Mr. Sheffield's office hand in hand. Outside the sky rumbled and darkened, but Niles only noticed this absently. Most of his attention was still on the hand that fit so perfectly into his and the beautiful woman by his side.


End file.
